You won’t quite believe how bland this film is.
How can I explain it…?
Picture, if you will, a scene (not from this movie). Orlando Bloom is sitting in a room on a bare wooden chair. The room has magnolia walls, a cream carpet and beige curtains. Orlando is wearing a symphony in beige: beige trousers, beige t-shirt and beige cardigan. From one corner the music of Coldplay is playing. In front of him a TV playing party political broadcasts. In one hand he has a lettuce sandwich on white bread. It takes him thirty minutes to slowly eat the sandwich.
That my friends is only a fraction of how truly bland this film is.
You could watch a film and think it’s bland but I promise you, that will only be a tiny fraction of how impossibly, mind boggling bland this film is.
It’s so bland that I started to forget about the film whilst I was still watching it.
It even makes The Crucifixion seem bland.
It is Bland Hur
Very Bland Hur
The very Blandermost Hur
And bland my friends, is often worse than bad.
The chariot bits are alright though.” —Steve P, letterboxd